with/out

just got home from shawn's place, to sort of catch up with the others and celebrate liduan's birthday. ooo.. dillon seems to have finally brought me into his circle. :)

kuan give me a ride home, and he asked about everything that has happened, what am i going through, and what am i to do? my answers were inadequate for him at first, a heart/feeling/emotional/actor trying to communicate to a feeling/planning/logical/marketing-man; but i think he got the drift of where i'm coming from finally. still, while he might have understood me, he did not agree.

what were my answers? that me being me, tends to think less about what i want for myself but more of what others would like from and of me. which means that i instinctively make my choices for those i care about rather than what would be best for me. and i allow myself to keep doing that because i seldom have a clue of what to do, or what i want. because i am big-hearted, because i seek love and affirmation, whether or not it is requited.

not knowing what path i wish to take, rather, walking in a pathless field, without a compass, without a map... it seems so dangerous to others, but i can't help being the way i am.

i have no answers, only my dilemma.