grief

how does one know grief till they're in it? i think i do now.

i've looked at my previous entry, and interestingly, it's pretty much what i'm thinking now, but my emotions are all trashed.

in the past months since october, i've lost a friend out of the blue, relocated a few (but not reestablished relations yet), am making decisions that are changing everything i've done for years, have had some of the most joyous moments of my life, got blackout drunk for the first time, declaring my feelings to everyone around me, accomplished one of the best but hardest things i've ever done, started to know someone really lovely and dear and is changing the way i see my life ahead, but today - in an accumulation of these past weeks - i have hurt and done such a horrible thing to one of the most important persons to me.

i am such a mess right now. got myself a beer, and some smokes, and it has done nothing to make me feel better. i buried myself in work, tried to pick up and return some things that we've used for the production to its owners, but i tried to do too much, and it just ended up a mess. because my line was cut today, i couldn't call out for help, and i had to manage on my own.

so much could have changed if i had just decided to stick to my guns, gone for lunch with my mum, kept my mouth shut, so much i could have done, of which any of them would have kept me away from all this mess. but none of that happened. and now i feel emptied... of feeling, so to speak...