was looking at an old entry, and u know what, there's a really fine line between giving and giving for yourself. and sometimes it fits, cos when the other wants your time and and can bear your indulgence, it's easy. giving yourself because u want the other's time and attention becomes simple. and it can feel like you're the big hearted one. but when the other doesn't want your time and cannot bear your self indulgence, its a different story...
how does one know grief till they're in it? i think i do now.
i've looked at my previous entry, and interestingly, it's pretty much what i'm thinking now, but my emotions are all trashed.
in the past months since october, i've lost a friend out of the blue, relocated a few (but not reestablished relations yet), am making decisions that are changing everything i've done for years, have had some of the most joyous moments of my life, got blackout drunk for the first time, declaring my feelings to everyone around me, accomplished one of the best but hardest things i've ever done, started to know someone really lovely and dear and is changing the way i see my life ahead, but today - in an accumulation of these past weeks - i have hurt and done such a horrible thing to one of the most important persons to me.
i am such a mess right now. got myself a beer, and some smokes, and it has done nothing to make me feel better. i buried myself in work, tried to pick up and return some things that we've used for the production to its owners, but i tried to do too much, and it just ended up a mess. because my line was cut today, i couldn't call out for help, and i had to manage on my own.
so much could have changed if i had just decided to stick to my guns, gone for lunch with my mum, kept my mouth shut, so much i could have done, of which any of them would have kept me away from all this mess. but none of that happened. and now i feel emptied... of feeling, so to speak...
-Is very random, these thoughts of mine, so forgive me if this entry doesn't read clear.-
My bro will be on three month expedition with Khoo Swee Chiow, that guy who climbed Everest, went to the north pole, the south pole, swam the Straits of Malacca, etc. (I've met him before, comes across as very arrogant at times.) This time, he'll be taking on the world's longest journey on inline skates from Shenzhen to Singapore, and my bro would be accompanying him as support, and to archive Khoo's journey.
And what am I doing? Learning how to manage a production, still sorting out my life, learning how to handle finances, work, acquaintances, and my personal life. I need to catch up on my age, for I have been a child.
I am making a promise to get there - to be clear in thoughts and emotions and get used to earning my own keep - and I plan to accomplish much of this in a year, my 27th year.
I have become more resolute, and perhaps might seem colder than before. But, as I have discovered, I still am as sensitive as a touch-me-not when it comes to the things I feel deeply for, and that will not do. For I crumble too much, and cease to do what needs to be done.
As I am starting to be more determined, I'm learning that I have to let go of myself, so I can be more aware of my surroundings and the people about me, so I can give what they need rather than what I think they need, i.e., read more accurately. So I can be more involved, participatory, proactive, rather than watching and waiting for what happens. I have been narrow, tending towards sticking to the first option, the first task, the first reading, the first opinion. And I have depended on what I felt or thought. Now I know I could and should put my feelings aside at times, and accept that others will hang on to how they think and feel too. And with that, I might be better able to discern what is right and wrong for every situation.
Perhaps, when I've learnt to see myself as one of the others rather than force the world to revolve around me, I will see the bigger picture, and I will be ready.
We're working on a play entitled Mad Forest. We've just started and its just getting exciting! I will write more about the other things that have occurred recently, yes i know i've been absent, with reservist and all that, but for now, Mad Forest is going to be my life.
Here's a blog we've set up to let our supporters and, hopefully, future audiences know of our progress and a taste of things to come.
http://madforest2007.blogspot.com/
Aaaaand here's my entry for the uninitiated.
I served the country between the 3rd to the 14th of Sept by attending my reservist training. I am an NS man, meaning I have finished my 2 and a half years of active service with the Singapore Army years ago, and it is stipulated that I return to training every year for a maximum of 40 days, depending on what my battalion or brigade requires. Thus far, as is the norm, we return once a year for one to two weeks, and will be doing so for another 5 or 6 years. I believe in the system and am dedicated to it, perhaps more so than the others. I do not believe that makes me a patriot to any extent, simply that I have a home and people here I hope to protect.
I returned to my bunk, having been to a workshop at 27 Kerbau; I had a night's off, since we had completed our tasks and had several hours of free time before needing to sleep at about 2300hrs. I left the group of actors at about 10.10, in the midst of the discussion we had on the exercise conducted minutes earlier, and arrived at camp on the dot, 10.30pm, which was the time we were supposed to return to camp by. It was from one exercise to another.
When I was proposed an angle for my blog entries, to think if there were aspects of Radu that could be discovered while serving my nation, amongst other views, I thought there wouldn't be anything I could find. Because I can and I do believe in serving my country, in spite of what I feel about its government, in spite of the fact that I too, to a lesser extent, have to be careful with the words I am presenting in this public space, i.e., I have chosen NOT to state what it is I feel about this country's government for the sake of this group of ours.
But there are several things I do not understand about my character, Radu. This country's army isn't independent of the government, so while I may feel whatever it is a feel about the gahmen, I still am, in a way, supporting it by giving it my service to the best of my ability. I would want to, perhaps, actually stand up to support what I believed in, but how does one actually know such things?
During the workshop, we were walked through years of repression, not necessarily as Romanians nor with any specificity to our characters, and were allowed to experience, imaginatively, how it was to feel numb. Eventually, two of us broke into a scuffle, myself and Jonathan Lum, because he wanted food and I wanted to make a statement. I won that fight, but I lost terribly - because I did not have the support of the people I was fighting for. I was seen as being selfish, and unconcerned to the needs of the others, and the others did not understand what I was trying to do; they felt I was acting hero. And they were right. What were my/my character's intentions? How much of it was for them, and how much of it was for me, my ego and my character's?
In the heat of the discussion I had to go, without fully explaining myself to the others, not that it matters now, with my thoughts and feelings bruised. But I felt so alive, and I resented having to leave. We did experience something close to a revolution, at least, closer than what one normally gets in this country, and I believed that was what Radu looked for, and perhaps some of the other characters as well. Because what they had was youth, or whatever else was left of it, and they didn't want it squandered away. Not on mundanity, when there was something else out there, better, that they could almost grasp, and they had the ability to do so.
I did not despise the army for taking me away from that revolution, it cannot serve my every need. But I certainly did not enjoy returning to a place devoid of the action I felt in 27. And who could I talk to about these things, apart from my fellow actors who were there?
just got home from shawn's place, to sort of catch up with the others and celebrate liduan's birthday. ooo.. dillon seems to have finally brought me into his circle. :)
kuan give me a ride home, and he asked about everything that has happened, what am i going through, and what am i to do? my answers were inadequate for him at first, a heart/feeling/emotional/actor trying to communicate to a feeling/planning/logical/marketing-man; but i think he got the drift of where i'm coming from finally. still, while he might have understood me, he did not agree.
what were my answers? that me being me, tends to think less about what i want for myself but more of what others would like from and of me. which means that i instinctively make my choices for those i care about rather than what would be best for me. and i allow myself to keep doing that because i seldom have a clue of what to do, or what i want. because i am big-hearted, because i seek love and affirmation, whether or not it is requited.
not knowing what path i wish to take, rather, walking in a pathless field, without a compass, without a map... it seems so dangerous to others, but i can't help being the way i am.
i have no answers, only my dilemma.
not a fantastic montage, but anyway, here are some pics from the alaska-seattle trip!
as to how it went, it's impossible to put it in a sitting, or several, considering how full the days and weeks were - of events, sights, thoughts, and emotions.
almost all forms of transportation were taken: a total of 8 flights (2 on a small private plane), 3 days of kayaking, 2 road trips, a bittercold day cycle, 4 railway trips, 4 hitchhikes, 4 mountain climbs, and a fair share of buses, cabs, and walks.
Stayed in 3 homes, courtesy of couchsurfing.com (twice in seattle and once at anchorage), 4 different hostels, camped in 9 different sites across 3 national parks and other camping grounds, and stayed at one hotel (in Korea).
Amongst the wild life seen were grizzley bears, black bears, moose, sea otters, porpoise, harbour seals, sea-lions, bald eagles, a golden eagle, caribou, foxes, mountain goats, the misty spray from a whale, and lots of sea birds. also seen were puffins, octopus, giant crabs, etc, but those were in captive at the research centre.
that aside, some of the most interesting moments of the trip include -
upon touching down in seattle, the plane was held up and its passengers grew restless. turned out that it because of me, and that my name was being called (couldn't recognise it cos of the strong korean accent). made my way past all the passengers (because i was sitting closer to the rear) and was escorted by two US policemen without a word of what the problem was. turned out i was suspected of travelling on a stolen passport (reported an old one lost before).
not realising that the rapid tides (tides change VERY dramatically in alaska) had caused the kayak to float adrift, and discovering a moment later, that in an isolated national park, our only means of transport was in the middle of the sea. eventually another visitor came by and helped bring our canoe back to shore.
discovering that nadine and i were almost out of drinking water, we needed to find a freshwater stream before it got dark. eventually we did after rowing for hours, and resting on that island, our haven was gilded by the sunset, and the sight of the back of a porpoise as it came up against the red sunlight.
driving from canada to the southeast alaskan border. it was one of the most beautiful sceneries of the entire trip, of dark mountains, grey waters, dirty grey vegetation, amidst white mountain snow.
watching hundreds of sea otters out at sea, how they moved and clapped, and how they trailed and watched us just as we were watching them.
discovering and walking under the blue iced glacier at mendenhall, courtesy of a tunnel and path formed by the waterflow from the melting ice.
walking on snow; the first for me. we eventually reached the high point, where we could view an ice field from above, with clouds grazing its surface.
visiting bruce lee's and brandon lee's graves. reached there at sunset, and i saw a large white feather over brandon lee's grave, which i took to be a sign.
watching two bald eagles, perched on a fallen tree 10 metres away, looking at us and for prey. it was both beautiful and dangerous at the same time.
boarding the tiny plane to glacier bay, and experiencing the take off (and landing) from such close quarters.
returning back to seattle after our second road trip to mount st helens, driving on the rapid highway at night, watching the city lights, and somehow feeling like i was returning home in a foreign city.
a trip such as this really put a new perspective on things for me, a new independence, discovering how small i am in the face of cities and towns, crowds, homes, small and global communities, and places almost devoid of all the above - only the flora and fauna and geography to discover, respect, and overcome; but somehow feeling larger for it.
what am i going to do with it? well...
anyway, here's a cut and paste of the view of the harding ice field; it does no justice its spectacular beauty, i took the shots with my motorola while resting solitarily at the mountain top, but hopefully it gives a glimpse of the beauty that is alaska.
First, we find some spare parts...
And spare clothes...
Find a driver,
Finish the car,
And we're almost set.
Add a little sisterly love,
And insanity,
And a little more insanity,
And a little more.
Hair,
Suave,
Expressions,
Preparations,
Lights.
Ready, set, go,
And we have a show!!!
Twas confusing last night, having emerged from the scenes feeling like alot of work was put in only to achieve something so light and untraceable. So much work to create something that feels like hardly any effort was put in at all. I came out confused, but was told it was really good - but I barely felt it.
But actors shouldn't be seeking the luxury of feeling like the audience feels; we were told.
Sometimes it feels like we have to fool ourselves, sometimes it's like we're fooling everyone else. Sometimes we're the fools, thinking there's so much more to it, inspite of having already done the job, the prep, and sometimes we have to be fools, to believe in something so illucive and elusive.
And here we are, having to do it all over again - several more times in fact.
I can't wait.
happiness.
an emotion, an elusive state, a peace, an ideal, a wish, an independence, an experience, a permanence.
independent of status, career, conditions, gifts - but not friends, loved ones, soulmates.
yet...
just this morning there's an article of two sisters who have made 16,000 'friends' online. an extremity? or simply the misguided, brazen quest for acceptance - a happy seeking pill?
yet.
just last night a friend said something subtle but weighted, honest, and a nudge for me to take the right direction in life. i was surprised, concerned, and pleased, for i don't have to hide anymore.
it was also the second time this week someone told me i'm a good man.
i will find myself. i will.
Great opening night.
the space was pretty much filled, thanks to complis, freebies, and excellent marketing, which earned many a walk-in audience.
shall think a little more about my two scenes, tonight being a matter of:
the first (sc. 2) - having audiences cold to comedy
the second (sc. 5) - we (as per Candice's expression) had the audience wrapped in suspense... you could hear a pin drop... and the gasps after.
reserve, preserve! anything to maintain the wonder of the night's scenes.
Many hugs are in order.
