1. What is a person's worth without responsibilities that matter?
2. Work, Relationships, They come hand in hand.
I've needed people, but they don't need me. I didn't really do anything for them. I am quiet, shy, introverted, lacking self motivation, with every independent spark, every fire, every desire I had when I was young subdued by my parents. The desire to draw, to act, to play music, to join scouts, to play basketball, to subscribe to a book club, to work, were all disapproved for various reasons. Many a time it was because my parents didn't want to pay or did not have the money for the material, the uniforms, or the subcription fees. Sometimes it was because my mother feared I would get worse in my studies. I got lazy, went hiding, kept giving up, and kept following my friends at what they liked to do because that was the only way she would approve of it. Only if J, or E, or A, or G, were part of something as well could I tag along, because they were always better at everything. According to my mother, they were always smarter, more charming, had more chances at doing well in life, or at getting a girlfriend; while I might as well not try. Thus I was oddly spoilt, as I grew up not working or pushing very hard to achieve anything, but I had none of the cockiness, confidence, and achievement the other boys had. I do love my parents of course, but I shouldn't have been so obedient either. I should have known that they could have been WRONG.
I don't know how much of this is self-absorbed bullshit: I suppose everyone has gone through something similar because of the large generation gap here. The younger generation, born when the country's more affluent, therefore wanting to explore their talents, is often restrained by the older generation, conservative, but only one generation above. The more I re-read my entry so far, the more I am disgusted at myself for being so self-pitiful. I am sure everyone has gone through a fare bit, or worse, but they have moved on, while all I am doing is giving reason after reason as to why I am the way I am, and therefore excusing myself from taking the responsibility to change, justifying and staying in my position. Perhaps it is the trait of an Omega type of male through and through. Regardless, I have to continue and try to finish this entry, and then I'll see how it goes, because there is nothing else for me.
It was when I had qualified to enter the University did my dad change a little. I think he was proud of me when he took us out for a treat for once. 8 years ago, we had New Year's dinner at East Coast Park and it was the first time he took us out of his own accord and not because of someone else's arrangement. (I can't imagine what my younger brother must be going through, being placed second in the midst of all of this.) It was the first of the several times any of us took the others out for meals.
There were two other things I did which my parents did not raise strong objections to: church activities, and, to some extent, doing theatre. For various reasons, church is a moot point. But it is also a reminder of one of the other things about the way my brother and I grew up. On Sundays, I would go for church and not help my dad out with his Sunday activities for the RC. I never liked to because it had nothing to do with what my family wanted or needed. While it might have been important to him, it was not something I could see the importance of. Ironically, there I was, running off to be a part of church activities that helped others, but had little to do with what anyone else in my family needed - except to some extent my mum because she wanted me to go to church. What I didn't like about these RC events was also that they were where my dad sometimes got free food to bring home. The gesture might have been sincere to him, but it always seemed second-hand to me. Yet I too do not remember what my brother does on Sundays: sometimes he'd be asleep the whole day, for a while he'd be going to church as well, but I can hardly remember. I am guilty of the same things I accuse my father of, being distant and aloof. That's how it was: the four of us running off to do our own thing each day, weekday evenings and even weekends, hardly doing anything together. The last time we did was last year's Chinese New Year, when we went to Taiwan for a few days. It was often annoying and frustrating, but it did bring us a little closer. It wasn't a family that gave much attention and support before, so this was a big step.
With regard to theatre, my parents always felt it was just a hobby and that I would get a "proper" job when I was done. My dad was a little more supportive however. He has congratulated me for a job well done in various plays, but it's my mother who always said I was not very good and would only talk about how good the others were. INSECURITY. That is what I suppose I suffer from, onstage and off, because to myself, I am never good enough. Even while acting, according to the others, one can sense that I am insecure. And in reality, every time I am in a difficult position, my actions, my words, my thoughts, my intent, they get weak and flimsy and do not match, because I fear failing. I fear letting others down, disappointing them, doing the wrong thing, hurting them, and I feel I have a lot to explain for.
At times, it feels like I've gotten a little better. But sometimes, horrifically, it feels like nothing has changed. Before I began this entry, I found myself with no ground to stand upon, useless as hell. I thought about myself, and found no value.
Then I looked at myself again and thought about what one said to me before, that it is what you are to others that defines you. I've felt little or no worth and have felt empty thinking how I've ignored others' feelings, trust, and hope in whatever form - in this entry, particularly towards my family, but initiated by something else. It's hard to amend what I've done wrong, how I've hurt others, or to change the way we've lived. So if I cannot change the past, I'd just have to find another way.
Work and relationships: I brought it up because I've realised they do come hand in hand and are not necessarily in conflict. If I cannot function as a self-supporting human being, I cannot support anyone else and will remain difficult to be with - because what I want to do for others and what I can do will be so mismatched I only frustrate myself, become self-conflicted, self-obsessive, and end up upsetting the ones I care for and those who care for me.
It's been a long entry. I don't think I am nearly done. I didn't know where I was heading to; all I knew was that there were a few things I had to relook at. But I had better go do my work. Unfortunately, it's not going to pay (that had better change), but I have to do it for others' sake - for J, B, D, R, etc - because they have done so much, and I should do this for them in return.
